"i wanna get me a little oblivion baby....."

So - currently in NYC. Shopping is out of control - well thats not that unusual for me, at all.

I've seriously been to busy to blog, but I will be better when I get back to DC tonight. I miss DC - I'm ready to go home.

Although I'm loving being here with my kiwi friends. And I love NYC. And I love shopping. But DC is my home.

OOOOOh - and its currently "fleet week" in NYC - which means lots of hot (although very young) boys in uniform. I like it.

OK i'm being kicked off the lappy as we are off to the Apple Store. I'm making myself promise not to buy another ipod (i have three).

But there is this $400 handbag i fell in love wth yesterday. hmmm maybe if i see it again ill buy. Its very me.

xx K

"I don't need to be fixed ...and I certainly don't need to be found"

I'm exhausted. This week has been kicking my ass in a big way. Texas was tiring, and then worked til 10.30 last night, and have been getting into work early. Anyway - I'm done. Done done done.

So - in awesome, exciting, very cool news - I signed a lease on a new place yesterday. Its in Adams Morgan, a row house, two story, two bedroom, porch, yard (fenced). I love it. Its not new - so is going to be an adjustment, and its definitely a little sketchier than where I live now. But I love it (did I already say that?). Cannot wait to move! Well moving sucks - but you know what I mean. Oh - and I might have found a roommate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news - no sex - for what - two weeks? Yeah, it sucks. Makes me grumpy. Very very grumpy. I am thinking about taking six months off though. It might be good for me. Make me make wise choices. You know? HAHA - yeah right, but we'll see.

Meals and Raq arrive this weekend. Cannot wait.

xxx K

"How can you say...no child is left behind....we're not dumb...and we're not blind..."

I'm back from Texas. Thank God. I'm exhausted. And I missed Rugby like bloody crazy. Bloody crazy I say.

Texas was actually OK. Training was interesting. Met a hot Dutch boy that I smoking bonded with. Love the smoking bond.

Have so much to say (as I've been thinking a lot the last few days) - but I'm exhausted.

xx K

"And I don't mind being with you now..knowing I'm by myself"

Leaving soon for Texas. There is just something I dislike so much about travelling on a Sunday for work.

Oh - and speaking of things I dislike, no sex. Also - really dislike that.

So - on that note, I'm going to do something about that - when i get back from Texas. I need a new boy. A fun boy. A skinny boy. A tall boy. A geeky boy. A me boy.

God - i got so drunk on Friday night. Insanely drunk. With the killer hangover to match on Saturday. I wanted to shoot myself. So much fun though. Can't really remember the end of the night though. Hmmmm.

xxx K

"I feel like falling from a treetop to the ground...."

Got a little boozed tonight at a client dinner.

Watching American Idol - good god the lead singer of Maroon 5 - is HOT. Skinny as shit. And totally hot.

SO excited because Maroon 5 are playing with Counting Crows. I mean clearly - I'm all about the Counting Crows - but Maroon 5 are pretty fucking awesome too.

Maybe i'm more tired than boozed, im SO tired. Even didnt' go to wing night - because was tired.

Oooooh -so they are advertising the new Indiana Jones movie AND the SATC movie - how cool is that?

SO - to answer a couple of recent blog comments:

1. Blair - sorry my dear, but ex-Date Boy is awesome sex. Its hard to give up.

2. Kickball. Hmmm - its kinda like baseball except you kick this huge ass red ball. And I kinda suck at it. But its fun.

Tired. Bed. Want sex.

xx K

"I'm never sitting....OK with you...."

Lets see:

- Crazy week at work. I'm exhausted and its only Tuesday, and its only going to get worse.

- I'm thinking about taking Friday off work. I'm (finally) going to sit my drivers test. And if I fail - no doubt you will hear all about how I don't know stupid feet, and miles per hour, and driving on the right hand side of the road.

- I'm horny as hell. Sex is both great for me, and awful. The more I have - the more I want. I shagged ex-Date Boy on Sat night (a few people have been asking). We were drunk, but i would have done it sober. Sleeping with him is very very easy and as I've said before - very very (sometimes amazingly so) good.

- My puppy is going nuts tonight - I think he's on drugs.

- Meals and Raq arrive very very soon. I love pieces of NZ here :) Makes me so very happy!

- Texas next week - so not in the mood. Traveling for work is so boring, to be fair. Unless I get to go to London, or Australia, or New Zealand, or potentially even Asia - I'm just not that interested.

- Idol is on. I swear i have a crush on a 17 year old. And thats just kind of gross.

xx K

"Come on down....cover me with your eyes...you used to cover me with your eyes......now you tell me everythings going to be all right...."

Update from the weekend:

- Awesome bbq at T's last night where we had Trout, that T caught :)

- Awesome bbq on Sat night for two friends b'days. Drunk. Tequila shot did not help.

- Sex. Any weekend that includes sex is a good weekend.

- I think i'm signing the lease this week on the new house. And yep - it really is kind of a house. With a yard. In Adams Morgan.

Happy kiwigirl :)

xx K

"We're going to get drunk...find ourselves some skinny girls...and go street walking..."

I was thinking this morning as I was walking Rugby - about one of the key differences between London and DC.

I walk Rugby every morning for maybe half an hour. On that walk - I say hello to maybe 10 people. Some with dogs - some without.

In London, people just don't say hello. If someone spoke to me in London - i automatically assumed they were a freak. And to be fair, they probably were.

Thanks fucking god its Friday today. I'm tired. My allergies are insane. And I've been doing a fair bit of drinking this week, and work has been crazy.

Kickball last night. We lost :( Which sucks. I think I need to do some sort of kicball practice. I think in my whole life - I've kicked that ball maybe 15 times.

I might find out about the new place today. Part of me really wants it. And part of me knows what a total pain in the ass it is to move. And an even bigger part of me - is scared as hell about the possibility of mice and rats in the new place. And we all know how I feel about rodents. I just don't bloody cope.

God - I need to get laid so badly. Seriously badly. Its been - what three or four weeks? Sheesh - i can't even remember. Too long. I really think when i don't have regular sex, I'm much more likely to be in a bad mood. Its not good for me - or for those around me. The problem is - i've realised lately - how fussy I have become. I swear there was a time when I could have shagged someone for the sake of shagging someone. And now - I want to shag someone I actually want to wake up next to. Am I growing up? LOL Or just becoming more normal?

I should really be showering and getting ready for work. Instead I'm typing this, listening to Counting Crows far too loudly, watching my puppy play, and thinking about my next scrabble word on Facebook. (on that note - Americans bloody cheat!).

Hmmm - Date Boy. Not sure if I've blogged about that lately. Hmmmmm, well yeah. We're OK. Our friendship is good. But I still think the whole situation is totally fucked up. And I totally blame him for my lack of shagging the last three weeks.

Right - really have to shower now.

x K

"And you love...and you hate...and you wait..."

Just got back from dinner with Blondie and Amy. SO much fun. In (hopefully) my new neighbourhood.

And on that note - I think I found a place with a yard in Adams Morgan. I should find out on Friday if I get it :) I'll tell more - if I do.

So - me, Blondie, and Amy all moved to DC within a month or so of each other - and it was so funny tonight reminiscing about all of our first experiences of DC.

Its so funny because I haven't thought forever about what it was like when I first moved here. I was 26 and didn't know a single person in America. I was explaining about how for my first few weeks here - I was scared to go out by myself when it was dark - as my guide books all told me how dangerous DC was ("murder capital of the world"). So hilarious when I think about it now. But then - I knew nothing and nobody.

I'm tired -- but I'm so addicted to Dexter at the moment (Nic and M - don't hate me for having started second season - I really couldn't help myself). Anyway - one more episode - and then bed.

xx K

"and i dont need and expect much anymore....anyway...its not as if I was expecting you to come and make it all ok...."

God its freakin hot. I'm over the heat already - and summer hasn't even started.

I've been a bad blogger again. Its been a crazy crazy week at work, and a few other things going on.

Woke up early this morning, and helped Nic and Mariah move. I'm going back to their new place soon. Dropped Ruggs off this morning at the groomers - I don't get him back for at least five hours. And my apartment seems so empty without him. I can't really remember what life was like without him.

SO - I've given up on the apartment hunting for the moment. Its too depressing, and my place is so much nicer than any other place I've seen. I want a yard, but I won't live in a basement to get it. Nor wil I pay an insane amount of rent for a tiny one bedroom (advertised as "large"). Its such bullshit. I swear rent around here - is just out of control.

Things with ex-Date Boy are awful. Its really really hard. He is probably one of the people I'm closest to - we talk all the time - but right now - things just aren't the same. And I think its making both of us miserable. Shit - I know better than to date my friend, or fuck my friend - I just do.

Went on a date this week. The guy was an absolute sweetheart, really really nice guy. But - I like my boys skinny - and he wasn't. Not that he was fat - he just wasn't a bean pole. I dont know - its my one thing that I find impossible to be lenient on. I like boys tall and skinny and kinda geeky. Thats my pre-requiste - and I just can't seem to help myself. As much as I try.

Other news - hmmmmmm, I'm really missing NZ at the moment. I think its all about my sister, its funny - I've never felt closer to her - and we've always been close. But now she's pregnant - its like my very small family is expanding. And I love it.

Oh - yeah, and I'm insanely ridiculously horny right now. 3 weeks no sex. Makes me grumpy. I think this has been the main reason behind my awful mood this week.

xx K

"A long December and theres reason to believe that this year will be better than the last...."

So I'm sitting on my couch and I'm crying - and Rugby is just the absolute cutest thing ever. He just keeps licking my face, and its so hard to keep crying.

I don't know whats wrong. I really don't.

I'm just really really tired of making decisions. Alone.

xx K

"I wanna get me a little oblivion...baby....try to keep myself...away from me"

I've definitely had one of those days that has felt sooooo long. And now suddenly its Sunday night at 8pm, and I just wish I could do it all over again.

I've felt blah all day. I feel like I've spent all weekend (well Friday night and Saturday) househunting. And God its depressing. Seriously seriously depressing. I'm so over thinking about it. I am seeing another place tomorrow night though - so we'll see.

And then today the weather was so absolutely horrific. Horrific. And bloody Rugby seems to refuse to pee or poop in the rain. And I tried - a lot.

I rang ex-Date Boy practically in tears, it was just so frustrating. I adore adore adore my dog, and I wouldn't swap him for the world. But sometimes - I think I need a little time out. I think ex-Date Boy got my bad mood and all! Poor boy. I'm sure he thanks God every day we aren't still dating.

I need a holiday. I haven't been on a plane it what feels like forever. Forever.

But where to go? And yes Work Boy - I know you think it should be London. But i don't know if I'm feeling london right now.

God I've been missing my family all weekend too.

It really hasn't been my favourite weekend at all.

xx K

"and i dont need and expect much anymore....anyway...its not as if I was expecting you to come and make it all ok...."

God I woke up this morning in hell. A little hungover - but my allergies are out of control. I need to scratch out my eyes. Note to self - buy allergy medication today.

Good God - how can the news still be all about the Pope? Hasn't he left DC yet? Sheeesh!

I have been in massive Martin and Work Boy withdrawal lately. I miss them.....

Won kickball last night, probably because I didn't play :) I suck....and I'm not really used to sucking at sports - as I'm generally pretty good. But this whole baseball style game - I'm just not used to. Went to the bar afterwards, and then out for dinner with Tillman. God I love Tillman (and I can write that as he never reads the blog!).

There are so many church ads on TV at the moment. "Believe in God and all will be fine". You know - that kind of crap. I've also seen all these ads recently on the sides of bus stops - about how "married people earn more money". Obviously trying to promote marriage. I feel like along with that - they need to publish the divorce statistics and explain how that much can cost you. And I don't just mean financially.

Its Friday today - thank God.

And the weather is again incredible.

I love DC at this time of year (except for the allergies it brings a long with it).

Need to get ready for work. Really just want to crawl back into bed. And preferably not alone.

Oh yeah - and do you think it really counts as shagging someone - if you have shagged them before - but you can't necessarily remember what they look like?

xx K

"I'm always thinking of someone new...I'm never sitting OK with you..."

A few things:

1. I'm so over this Pope visit to DC. Tourists are bad enough, but this is stupid. I was having lunch yesterday sitting outside with my boss - and he goes "the pope is a moron". I was like "shhhhhh, you could get shot for saying that around here". Was pretty funny. Seriously though - I've just had to turn off the news, as I'm that over it.

2. I'm house hunting and its a little depressing. I'm clearly too fussy, and can see i'm going to end up living somewhere I dont' exactly want to - so I can get what I want, for the price I want to pay. I'm going to see a place on Saturday in Columbia Heights, and I still remember calling that place the "ghetto" not too long ago.

3. I'm ready for the weekend. Work is a little insane, and I'm tired.

4. Bloody DC has given me back my allergies - I'm in hell.

5. No sex for what - two weeks. It sucks. Badly. And I'm coping. Badly.

6. GMATs don't seem too bad. Well studying for them anyway - I kind of enjoy it.

7. Kickball tonight, can't wait.

8. I've learnt you should never sleep with one of your friends. You go from being this amazing thing to them - to being just another girl they've slept with. If that makes sense. And what annoys me about this - is I know this. I used to pull this shit all the time when I was younger (shagging boys who were my good friends). Its bullshit. I know better.

9. Rugby is amazing. Seriously amazing.

10. I think I'm going to buy a mini cooper. Have I said that already? Well - first I need to take the driving test (written). Which I think (now) should be fine.

Right, need to get ready for work. I walked Rugby forever this morning - as the weather around here - is amazing.

xx K

"And I know I'm a little uptight...I've got to go before the sun shines..."

So - I've made a small decision.

I'm going to sit for the GMATs and see what happens from there.

I don't know, I've been going a little crazy the last few days thinking about this big life decision and it sucks, because I'm so over making life decisions. And I'm confused about boy stuff as well - which doesn't help.

The thing is - what makes a place home?

New Zealand is my home and I think will always be my home. But DC - right now, feels like home. My life is here. And as much as part of me wonders what going back to NZ would be like - thats my really big unknown. Two of my closest friends from home are now in Tauranga. Half of the rest of my friends are in Auckland, and the other half in Wellington. And I'm not sure if I could see myself anywhere but in Wellington. And I love the thought of being back in NZ, because I miss it. But - I'm just not sure. And right now - I love living here. Here is great. And I don't think I'm ready to leave here yet.

But - I'm just not sure if I can imagine having children here in the U.S. and I definitely do want kids. (just not yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

Anyway - what made me make this decision - was that my lovely Bank - gave me a credit card. Sounds really simple and straight forward huh? You know - I earn well over three figures, so giving me a credit card should be simple right? Oh no. Not in the lovely U.S. of A as I have zero credit history. And how do you develop credit history - when nobody will lend you anything because you have none? Its a vicious cycle. BUT - maybe one that I have a little broken. And that - has just about (in a fucked up way) has made my weekend. Because it also means i'm one step closer to a mortgage.

In other super super exciting news - I think Rugby might be (finally) housetrained. He spent last night - out of his crate. No accidents. Ok - so he spent the night in bed with me - which is kinda bad, but what ever - I love it.

Anyway - I ordered a GMAT book. I feel like I've made a partial decision. Oh - and I would be doing the Tax Masters. Too late to enroll for the Fall, but hopefully for the Spring.

So - i spoke to my sister last night, who is now 6.5 months pregnant. I got off the phone - and I just cried and cried. I miss her. I miss not being a part of my nephew to be's life. And its really really really hard. But I'm just so happy for her, and just so wish I was there to see my very very skinny sister - finally FAT :)

Right - i'm watching Felicity. I'm so sad.

xx K

"I wanna get me a little oblivion...baby....try to keep myself...away from me"

So - after my recent debarkle with Date Boy and my yet again unsuccessful dating, I sent Blair an email today going:

"Why am I so hard to date?"

The response, after a few emails back and forth which he finally finished with his rationale as to why we didn't work. The response, as follows:

"1. I love you, and hate you at the same time. You can be very demanding, which I don't think sits well with my personality. I like making people happy but when they start demanding things I switch-off. It always made it hard for me to tell you how I felt (probably a big criticism you have) because you were always demanding it of me.

2. I shouldn't never let you sleep with other people in DC and I should never have slept with anyone in SA.

3. We should never have left New Zealand for different countries."

And the thing is - I think he is definitely right about 2) and 3). Number 1) has some merit. I've always felt like he adored me and yet couldn't stand me all at the same time (I think it was Elles who first coined that idea (very smart realisation at the time)). I felt like he never told me how he felt about me or what he wanted, and that used to kill me. I don't think we communicated very well, and I think that made me want answers, or maybe demand answers - and I just never go them.

I find it so strange, that x years later - we finally talk about some of this. And its obviously all long long long too late (he is almost definitely going to marry someone (who clearly isn't me)), and I'm OK with that. And me and him trying to be friends - seems to be somewhat successful (although I don't trust either of us in the same room ever).

And yes - honestly, I can be as demanding as hell. But I have a hell of a lot of great qualities as well :) I know that.

I was having this conversation with Date Boy today - I'm impatient. I can't help it - its the one aspect of my personality that I find really hard to change. Maybe thats similar to being demanding - but I wonder sometimes if I try and push boys to see how far I can go - until they walk away from me.

Does that make any sense?

Anyway - kickball tonight. We won - but I played horribly. Horribly. Just didn't feel like going to the bar afterwards at all though. I don't know why - just too much on my mind.

Must be almost bed time.

xx K

"But I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth..."

So - its been a bit of a random day all round.

I've been doing some thinking - probably because its review time at work.

I kind of feel like I need to make some kind of decision about life. And God - I hate making those life decisions.

Its kind of like this -

If I stay here (or at least stay here on a semi-permanently basis) - I need to do one of three things:

- Get a law degree.
- Take the CPA exam.
- Take the agents exam.

So - I've been thinking about my options:

- Law school I think is kind of out. I am not sure I can deal with four years of study part time while working full time. Work would probably pay - but my life would be hell. And I'm not really into hell. Plus - I know i want to stay working in tax - and I have zero interest of working for a law firm - so do I really need the law degree? I mean - it would definitely be really helpful, but it would be hell.

- CPA exam. This bugs the hell out of me, because I studied my ass off for my NZ CA exam, and it was hell. And I don't know if I want to go through that again. Plus - to sit the CPA exam requires a shit load of study. Its not as simple as taking the exams. One option - is to do a Masters degree in Accounting which pretty much gets me prepared for the CPA - and gets me a masters degree at the same time. Two years part time - probably wouldn't be horrendous, and then sit the awful exams.

- Taking the Agents exam would require a shit load of study re U.S. tax. I can do a Masters in Tax - which would get me ready for the exam, and get me a Masters degree. Work again would probably pay. Two years part time. Probably my favourite option - as actually studying something I'm very interested in. And I do really need to get more up to speed on U.S. general tax than I am now.

But - to decide to do any of this - I need to decide that I'm going to stay here, for at least another four years. Lets face it - work would bond my ass forever.

God - and I would need to study for the stupid GMATs.

Sheeesh.

Advice?

xx K

"We're going to get drunk...find ourselves some skinny girls...and go street walking..."

I'm back on a blogging vibe. Really haven't been for the last month or so.

I can't believe I didn't immediately fall in love with this CC CD. Its awesome.

I've been watching Season One and Two of Felicity. It makes me cry - I really need to stop. I'm such a wuss.

There is a hot boy with two dogs on my floor. Actually there is another hot guy with a dog on my floor - but he lives with his gf, who is very cool. I would say this dog thing is great for picking up boys - except every boy in my neighbourhood - is pretty much gay :)

Its a good sign that I'm noticing hot boys.

So - for the past few days I've been emailing this Craigslist boy. The night Date Boy told me he wanted to take "dating off the cards" - I looked on CL, and there was this guy saying how much he loved the kiwi accent - and were there any kiwis in DC. So - we've been emailing. But - I don't know. As I said to Date Boy on Sat night or maybe Sunday morning - its much better that I shag him than some random boy. And I really do feel like that.

It really must be bed time now. Even Rugby looks tired.

xx k

"Driving through the dark, while the night turns blue...and you wear your intentions, as I wear my intentions so clear"

OK - blog is back online.

I was so over having it offline. However, I'm closely (I mean very very closely) monitoring the site meter. Because - I really don't want to go through that again. But - I figure its been long enough.

Spent all day down at Georgetown. I'm exhausted. Seriously. Walked Rugby for an hour, and now I'm ready for bed. Hmmm - and its only 8pm. Sad thing is - I totally dont' want to go to bed alone. And don't take that as a "I want date boy" (although I probably always will, well at least for the short-term), but more that I just don't want to sleep alone right now.

And its kind of about the sex. And kind of not.

xx K

"You think about anything you can...I think about you.."

Martin and his sister have been here all weekend. They just left and it kinda sucks.

Martin is both DC and London to me, given I worked with him in both places. But DC is where I met him. And he is great - just amazing. Such a great friend. And I adore his sister.

Its just been so great having them here, and I hate it when he leaves.

I had my pre-season Kickball party on Sat night. God - it was messy. Played far too much Flip Cup - and ended up trashed leaving with Date Boy (aka FB, aka ex-Date Boy). Had some great sex last night and this morning. Sleeping with him has always been easy and great, and its just too easy to get back there.

I definitely think I've totally fucked any chance of me and him dating, and I want our very easy friendship back, which I think is still pretty much there. I'm sick of analysing us - I just want us to be us. But then that didn't work. So - then what? Maybe us, is just us as friends. But then I think about how amazing he can be (he really would do anything for me), and I'm obviously attracted to him. He's one of my closest friends, and we have incredible sex - so why shouldn't the dating be easier?

I need to stop comparing my feelings for any boy with my feelings for BB. BB was an ass to me - so why do I have some very happy memories of us still, when those memories exist from a time ago that just doesn't exist anymore.

I'm sitting here still hungover, listening to Counting Crows - and my apartment feels empty.

Except I have Rugby - of course. I think Martin fell a little in love with him - although its hard not to. He is absolutely incredible. Absolutely. I think I fall more in love with him every day.

God I really am still hungover.

I'm interviewing all day tomorrow for new consultants at Georgetown. Should be a fairly cruisy day - except interviewing about 12 people - can be tiring. And a little boring. But still - I'm out of the office, and should be finished by 5pm.

Going to watch latest episode of Survivor. I love Survivor.

xx K

"Anythings hard to change...but hey I got you down on your knees again..."

OK - so I'm definitely a lot more in love with the new CC CD.

Current favourites are "Anyone but you" and "You can't count on me".

So - I've been pretty upset all day on and off. Although, to be fair, its hard to be upset when you have a dog like Rugby, because he makes me laugh and smile constantly.

Anyway - Martin rang tonight. And I think he was a little boozed. Because he gave me a pretty harsh reality check. Its very hard to repeat, but it went along the lines of how ill suited me and Date Boy were. Date Boys behaviour last time him and Work Boy were staying with me (to them). And how we disagree on some really fundamental things. He also said (and I quote) "Date Boy is as American Republican as a boy can get". "How can that be you?".

Which - is probably fair.

I really have felt very confused all day though. But tonight - I feel a hell of a lot better.

Date Boy is a good guy. He is/was an absolute sweetie to me. He would (still) do anything for me. And I think part of me needed that - because of maybe my past exes (or maybe in particular BB, who lets face it - was an ass). And I think I just kept thinking that Date Boy wouldn't hurt me, ever. (ironic maybe - given the recent tears). But maybe he is just saying something - that we both know to be true. I think it was more how cold he was about it all that I didn't like. And how - he would be the one person I would want to call when upset, and very hard to do that - when I'm upset because of him.

Anyway. I'm a lot more over it.

But - what this has taught me is that I want to be with someone. God there really are some amazing things about being in a relationship, which I think you forget when you are single. And I will still always say that I don't mind being single - because i don't. But I think I had forgotten how nice it is to have someone to call regardless, who will be there for you. Not that my friends wouldn't - because my friends are incredible. But I think by age 30 - I've faced the harsh reality - that for most of my friends I am not the most important thing to them anymore.

And thats OK (although it took me a very very long time to understand that at all, and I'm not sure I still do completely). I will always struggle how someone who has been there for you every minute for say 15 years - is pushed aside, by someone they have known for 15 minutes.

Whatever, Martin arrives tomorrow :) Sucky thing is - I have a client meeting all afternoon and then dinner, so I miss him arriving and his first night :( But he's going to play with Ruggers :)

Right, I'm watching Felicity. I'm so sad.

xx K

"I'm always thinking of someone new...I'm never sitting OK with you..."

God I can't think of the last time I cried.

I don't know - it felt like such a common occurrence when I lived in London - for a host of reasons. But DC doesn't make me cry, DC makes me happy.

And I'm sitting here - and I'm crying about as hard as I have in a long long time.

And I don't know what I want - and I doubt that anything right now could cheer me up. I'm so confused.

So Date Boy and I are totally over. And maybe deep down - i know thats right. But right now - I just can't believe that someone who has been a fairly huge part of my life for the last seven months - really isn't going to be in the same way anymore. And thats really really hard. And I think what makes it harder - is it doesn't seem to be for him. And probably even harder, given we are friends, and our friends are so intertwined - I don't see how this is going to get easier anytime soon.

I just want to fuck someone. Because that is so my answer to everything. Right? Well it is really.

I don't know. Dave emailed me about two weeks ago - asking how I was, and I didn't respond. Maybe i will. Steve is totally on the scene, but I've been avoiding that a bit because of Date Boy. And maybe I don't need an old boy - maybe i need a new boy.

I've been a little upset since Easter. My sis, mum and dad sent me some photos of them all hanging out. And - I never get homesick. But God - that killed me. I think its cause my sis is now six months pregnant - and I hate that I'm so far away from her. Getting home isn't only about $3k, its also about 35 hours of travel. And right now - that just seems too far.

My old boss from NZ rang me tonight. Asking me again if I'll come home.

Sometimes I don't know if NZ would be the easier answer, or the harder one.

Fuck I hate being upset. I hate feeling like this. And I think I created all of this. I was a total bitch to date. And I didn't really think I was like that. But maybe I am.

Rugby doesn't know what to do. I think in his way he's trying to make sure I'm ok. I am. I mean - I always am. But - I'm just really fucking upset. And how do I then pretend its all OK?

Martin is here this weekend. So exactly what I need :)


xx K

"You think that you can do without me....and I can't do anything at all...."

A few things:

1. I bought the new CC album. Its good. I'm not in love yet (which is so unusual for me and a new CC album). But - I think I'll fall in love. Because - lets face it, its Counting Crows.

2. OK - speaking of Counting Crows - could I be more excited? I spent a small fortune today on two CC tickets. Six rows back. SO excited. I haven't seen CC play since like 2004. Me and ex dateboy/FB are going. August. Cannot wait.

3. Hmmm Date Boy. I think I want him back. I don't know - I'm confused, and kind of sad, and a little upset. Its hard. Maybe I just always want what I don't have? Hmmmmmm

4. Nic, Mariah and Cindy are over here. Watching final L Word episode. Love it.

xx K

"somewhere out in america...its starting to rain"

I'm listening to the new Counting Crows CD, having just been chatting to ex-date boy. I do miss him. But its not like we haven't spoken as much as when we were dating.

Have I ever said that Counting Crows are probably one of the main reasons why i wanted to move to America. HA HA - not something I admit readily. I don't know - but so many of their songs talk about America.

I'm such an idiot sometimes.

So CC are playing in Virginia over summer. I just rang ex-date boy. "Will you drive me to the Counting Crows concert if I buy you a ticket". ha ha - nice bribery :) He isn't a huge CC fan at all. Although not that many people I know are - although those that are, i pretty much automatically adore (and lets face it - the whole reason I hooked up with Cute Mike the Republican a few times).

God Adam Duritz makes me want to have crazy wild sex. SO hot.

Right - I'm on an online shopping vibe. And I need to take out Rugby. God he's an idiot too - he was just standing in front of my mirror staring at himself. Vain - just like his Mum :)

xx K

"I don't need to be fixed ...and I certainly don't need to be found"

SO - I'm fine. I've had a few worried emails. I'm totally fine. I actually think life is a whole lot less stressful being single, than being with someone and you are not sure if its right. Especially when that person is your friend. Who you adore beyond words.

God I had so much fun at work today. My boss is absolutely hilarious.

Typical story from last week.

Director at work (as im in my bosses office) - "kiwigirl, do i have moobs" (aka man boobs).
Kiwigirl - "I can't tell with your shirt on."
Director at work - (starts taking off his shirt).
Boss - "if you want to get down and dirty with the help, can you do it outside my office"
Kiwigirl - "did you just call me the help?" "I must be pretty expensive help". "Right?"

God it was funny, and is now somewhat of a running joke.

I'm watching American Idol. All is right with the world. I'm so sad. And I think I might be back on my blogging vibe.

Oh - and I'm so not talking about the cricket. I have far too many British friends.

xx K

"Maybe its best you leave me alone...."

Well I guess I'm officially single again.

Its actually been a good night. I think Date Boy and I have both been feeling exactly the same for the last few weeks. Stressed out. And preoccupied. And instead of making each other happier, I think we have just been adding to the stress.

We are taking a month to see how we feel then. Take off all of the pressure, and just sort out both of our lives a little more.

Its good. I guess. Or maybe more importantly - its what we both need right now. And as for what happens beyond this - I don't think either of us have any idea.

The worst thing was - tonight I was walking with Rugby to Date Boy's car. And I said goodbye to him on the corner, and then for an entire block - Rugby kept turning around to see where he could have gone. I'm like "way to make a break-up just that little bit harder".

I'm off to the beach this weekend with two friends from work. I think I need it.

But we are fine. We are good. We are friends. But when you break up with one of your friends - and the person you would normally call is that person - it really kinda sucks.

xx K

"I feel like falling from a treetop to the ground...."

Its been such a great day. Work went well. Beautiful night walking home from work. Date Boy rang. Walked Rugby. Ate dinner. Walked Rugby again. And now watching Project Runway. LOVE Project Runway!

I'm slightly worried that Date Boy and I are still together because the sex is so amazing and because we are friends. And dear God the sex is incredible. I honestly think its the best I've ever had.

Its funny - I separate the best into "best sex" and "best foreplay". Best sex is most definitely Date Boy (it used to be Dave1). Best foreplay is probably still BB. But the BB from a long time ago. Not the BB from after when I left NZ. After that - I just never felt like he got me sexually like he used to. Maybe he just used to care a lot more than what he did when we got to Londontown.

Tired now. Ready for bed.

And its only 9pm.

xxx K

I have just one thing to say....

Shouldn't dating me easier than this?

Its simple - Date Boy and I live too far away. For London standards - we are practically as close as it gets. For DC standards - it feels like 20,000 miles away.

And right now - its frustrating as hell.

And I just want it to be easy. And I want to see more of him. But I don't want it to feel like such hard work.

So I feel a little blah tonight.

xx K

"How can you say...no child is left behind....we're not dumb...and we're not blind..."

One of my new good friends at work (J) - is a raging Republican. And to be fair, I have very few Republican friends here in DC (the irony (perhaps?) that I am a strong National voter in NZ doesn't escape me - but politics over here is a whole different ball game).

J also has two children - and is a good 15 years older than me. And yet - apart from the fact that we politically disagree on a fair amount - we get along pretty bloody well.

I'm sometimes amazed by political discussions I have here in DC. The latest (with J) about the teaching of "sex education" in schools. To me, this just shows the conservative nature sometimes of this country.

J firmly believes that the Govt has ZERO right to teach her children about sex (safe sex) with the somehow belief that talking about safe sex, means your child is more likely to have sex.

I firmly believe that this is a public health issue. That there are too many parents who would never talk to their children about sex (as J does with her kids). I also firmly believe that teaching "abstinance" programs, just doesn't work. I also don't believe (as J seems to think) that schools should teach that its OK to go out and have sex as long as you use a condom. Which I find hard to believe - is done.

Slightly off the topic - i've realised lately how intolerant to religion I have become. Date Boy mentioned on the weekend that he would want his children to go to church. And its fair to say - that there is no way in a frozen hell that I would send my children to church when they are not old enough to make that decision for themselves. I also met on Sunday night this heavily catholic girl, who was a missionary for a number of years.

Now - I have zero problem with someone being religious or going to church. But if they feel the need to tell me within 10 minutes of the first conversation we have - about their religious views - then my tolerance levels go further down.

I used to think I believed in God when I was younger (although I would never have said that I was religious). Now - i just don't.

God I really should be in the shower getting ready for work, but I'm so not in the mood to hurry today. This daylight savings is killing me.

xx K

"And I walk out on the wire once again...."

OK

So theres something wrong. Its Sunday night and this is the first time I've turned on my laptop this weekend.

Seriously.

So - unlike me.

I've been such a bad bad blogger. I really feel kind of blah about the whole thing, and I'm so pissed off with certain people at my last work - to make me feel like this.

Anyway - I'm getting back on the vibe.

And - I hate having this thing offline. It pisses me right off.

God - I had the most incredible sex yesterday. Honestly - some of my most favorite sex that me and Date Boy have had. Not some of the most intense - but just great. Make me never want to get out of bed with him - great. Make me never want to stop touching him great.

Anyway.

Such a fun weekend. Friday had T, Bryan, Blondie, Ruby, Nic, Mariah, Phil and Amy at my house. Lots of wine and we played the "hat game" (which my kiwi friends will so understand). Hilarious. Especially when "Thomas Crapper" came up.

Saturday spent shagging most of the day.

Sat night - Nic, Mariah and Cindy came over for an "L Word" night.

Today - Rugby and I went to visit Bush. Well we walked by the White House anyway.

And then tonight - bbq at T's.

Tired now and definitely ready for bed. Alone. Shame.

xx K

"I don't need to be fixed ...and I certainly don't need to be found"

So Date Boy has been away all weekend.

And I missed him.

Anyway - he got back at 9pm tonight, rings me, he's absolutely exhausted. 15 mins later I'm at his house. 2 mins later we're having sex. One hour later - I'm home. God - I needed that.

xxx K

"Come on down....cover me with your eyes...you used to cover me with your eyes......now you tell me everythings going to be all right...."

Well this is taking crazy American tourists too far.

I'm walking Rugby with Lyss yesterday by the monuments. A women stopped us - and asked if she could take photos of Rugby.

I mean - wtf? He's a dog.

Date Boy is away this weekend. I miss him.

Feels like a lot of stuff has been going on though. Well mostly domesticated stuff. Lots of walking the dog. Cleaning the house. Cooking. And hanging with my friends :)

ha ha - and yep, I did say cooking :)

xx K

"I don't know what I saw.....but I ain't seeing it now....woke up this morning, bitterness in my mouth"

I haven't blogged much lately. I don't know - I feel sick just thinking about people who I used to work with - reading this blog. So its definitely tainted it a bit for me. (or maybe a lot)?

Anyway - we'll see.

Its almost 8am and I haven't even showered today. TGIF - I so can't wait for the weekend.

Some very quick updates:

1. Things with Date Boy are good, although for a whole host of reasons we have hardly seen each other in the last week. And the one time we did - no sex. HUGE miscommunication between us. Kind of funny once we actually talked about it. I think we communicate really well - but its amazing how much we still don't. And let me tell you - we talk a lot.

2. Rugby is amazing. He started obedience this week. Had learnt sit so well and come.

Need to get ready to go to work.

xx K